I'm Confused

May 2, 09

I am confused.

Today I read an update on a diary someone had posted on the internet. She had loads of viewers. It was all about her obsessions, depressions, cutting, underage drinking, anorexia/bulimia, and heart ache.
It's hard for me to feel pity for her. Yet I do. Because I am human. I want to tell her how to live her life. Nor is that right for me to do. Nor is she going to listen to me. Why would she? Why would she listen to me for her happiness? Or in seek of the happiness she doesn't know she can have that I feel I could bring her to?
She has to listen to herself.
Sometimes she calls herself stupid.
Now...I've wondered. Is she fake? Does she do it all for attention? If it were me...Would I ever want to post it on the net with millions of followers? Would I want them to know my weaknesses...my needs...my obsessions... my heart aches...my addictions.
Does it matter? What do you say when you are approached by someone who's life needs to be dictated?
We walk away. Nor is it right - nor is it our place. So what is the place of humanity? I read the comments of her millions of followers. Sometimes they say they agree...Life is fucked and not worth living. Sometimes they give her biblical references, personal emails to talk to.
I never do. Sometimes I say something. It's never much. It's never about her addictions, obsessions, weaknesses or anything...I can't talk about it.
I'm not sure why I keep reading about her drowning.
It does have me confused.

I'm confused.

I have a letter that I write to myself...to say. It's a single piece of paper that writes about my mood. Nothing about my life. Just my mood, where I am...How I feel. I update when I feel it needs to be updated. I read it when I need to know who I am.

Today I read it...I wanted to update it. Because I wanted to put something of my happiness in.
Then I wondered...
Do I act/write how I feel I am meant to act? Do I read books, see movies, hear tales and think...Oh if I want to full out this cliche of being happy I must smile and bounce around. Because I want to? Or feel that I must?
Then wonder...what does it have to do with anything? If I do it either way - whether because I want to or do because I feel I should be doing. I'm still doing.

Lately it only feels halfway. And I'm confused.